17 Years Ago...

As I tidied up some old files a few weeks ago, I came across the marriage vow that Bonny and I typed out for our vow exchange on 16th December 1995.  This was his vow to me, "I, Wilfred Gilfillan Khalil, take thee my dearest, Kim-Lang, as my lawful wedded wife; I commit myself to your happiness and your self-fulfillment as a person, and to your usefulness in God's Kingdom; and I promise to love and to cherish, to honour and to trust, to sustain and to serve you in sickness and in health, in poverty and in wealth,, in adversity and prosperity, and to be true and loyal to you.  I promise to be your faithful husband, a loving father to our children, your lover and your very best friend as long as we both shall live."

Except the part on being loving father to our children that he could not fulfil since the Lord did not bless us with children, he had fulfilled all that he vowed to me on that day.  Thank you, Lord, for blessing me with a loving husband who was true to his words.

We were at Leuven, Belgium, 7 years ago

7 years ago, we celebrated our 10th Anniversary visiting Switzerland and Belgium.
On 5th Dec 2005, we travelled from our friend’s house in Brussels, Belgium, to Leuven for a day tour.  It was a wonderful time as we walked down the streets exploring and taking pictures in a cool breezy day.  Bonny loved the majestic building of the Town Hall and the University Library.


In front of University Library



In front of Leuven Town Hall

Bonny’s Love for Stones

Bonny loved stones. He collected them, some he made into rings, some he put into the display cabinet and he even put some into our fish tank. One day I walked into his study room and found a row of stones glued to top of the bookshelf as decoration.

I was amazed by his creativity and expressed my admiration for his work.  We had a good time laughing as we enjoyed his work. 
He told me once that one of the things he looked forward to in heaven was to enjoy the many precious stones over there.  He is having a great time over there now worshipping God among those precious stones.

Repainting of Our Apartment Blocks

There is a repainting project going on in the cluster of our apartment blocks. The original brownish orange colour is going to be replaced by purple and pink. As the workers painted the layer of white over the brownish orange, I felt sad as one of items that Bonny and I shared is being replaced. The nieghbourhood will not be the same anymore.

I remember those many walks that we had taken around these blocks. Some walks were purely for physical exercise and some were prayerwalks which Bony would lead me and his cell members to take. I miss his fervent prayers and his passion for the neighbourhood.
Though the colour of the blocks may be changed, those memories of Bonny will remain.

2007 Chinese New Year Dinner at Si Chuan Dou Hua Restaurant (UOB Plaza)

Recently the Pang family celebrated our father’s 80^th birthday at Si Chuan Dou Hua Restaurant (UOB Plaza).  Entering the private room reminded me of our 2007 Chinese New Year Dinner in the same room when Bonny was still with us.  I sat on the same side of the room with Chun Wei, our nephew from Malaysia who loved to cling to Bonny whenever he was in Singapore. 

He was then only 9 years of age.  He loved to imitate Bonny not only in actions but also to have a round body. 

5 and a half years have passed and Chun Wei has become a handsome 14 year-old boy, taller than me and has lost his baby face.

Bonny would have been amazed by how he has grown and would have made many amusing remarks to him.

Two and a Half Year Have Gone by....

Two and a half years have gone by since Bonny left for a better and eternal place, a place where citizenship is permanent. As Singapore celebrates her 47th National Day in four days' time, this will be the first Singapore National Day that I celebrate as a citizen of the land. I have finally taken up the Singapore citizenship in June this year.

Before Bonny left and terminated his earthly citizenship here, his dream was for us to retire in Malaysia and that was the reason why he preferred me to keep my Malaysian citizenship. However, with his departure and Singapore lost a good son and intercessor two and a half year ago, I feel that it is time now for me to replace him and be a good daughter for this land till I join him in that eternal citizenship in Heaven.

Bonny’s "Praying Hands" Bookends

This July is my 3rd Singapore 40-Day Prayer and Fasting period without Bonny. It had always been a month Bonny looked forward to. He would share with me his progressive fasting and praying plan and let me kept him accountable to his plan.
Praying was not only what Bonny loved to do while on earth, he also loved to collect “Praying Hands”. Besides collar pins, ties, posters, wood carving displays, he has bookends too. These two are his “Praying Hands” bookends which I am using in my office now.

I suppose there is no need for fasting in Heaven where he is with Jesus, the Bridegroom. However, he must be doing a lot of worshiping and praying now.

The Top of Eurpore

Last week on 29th May, I made an attempt to reach the Summit of Mt Kinabalu at 4,095.2 m.  But due to time factor, I could only reach 3,554m.  I was disappointed as I wanted to take a picture with Bonny’s sport watch at the summit.  Noting the first attempt did not fulfil my dream, I am making plan to go again.  This trip, however, reminded me of my trip with Bonny to Jungfraujoch--the top of Europe at 3,571 m.  That was the trip we made to Europe in celebration of our 10^th anniversary.

Kent Ridge Park--our usual place of solitude

I took a few days off last week to have my personal retreat. Spent a morning at Kent Ridge Park, a place where Bonny and I used to go for a morning or an afternoon of personal reflection.

Bonny and I were first introduced to this place in mid-90’s when the pastoral staff of Community of Praise Baptist Church would come here for half–day prayer and reflection once a quarter. Since that, this not only becomes our favourite place to be quiet and do our reflection, it has also became the favourite place where Bonny would bring his cell leader interns under training to come for their half-day personal reflection and prayer. It is a cool and quiet place. The green tall trees, the sounds of the crickets, the butterflies that fly quietly pass you and the falling leaves make this an ideal place to be quiet, to listen, to pray and journal without much distraction. It may be hard for one to imagine Bonny being quiet and still for more than two hours, but he did and often came out refreshed. This place may not reflect the vibrant personality of Bonny but it does reflect the calming effect that his prayers often brought to my soul.

"To You"--One of Bonny's Favourite Worship Songs

One of Bonny's favourite worship song is "To You" by Darlene Zschech. He would play the song over and over again when we were on the road. The lyric of the song is "Here I stand, forever in Your mighty hand, living with Your promise written on my heart. I am Yours, surrendered wholly to You. You set me in Your family, calling me Your own. Now I, I belong to You. All I need, Your Spirit, Your Word, Your truth. Hear my cry, my deep desire, to know You more. In Your name I will lift my hands to the King. This anthem of praise I bring, heaven knows, I long to love You with all I am. I belong to You."
I know now he is forever in God's mightly hand, wholly surrendered to Him without distraction of the world, fully belonging to Him, deeply knowing Him and forever bringing the anthem of praise and loving Him with all he is. As Good Friday and Easter approach, it is most comforting to know that one day will come when I will join Bonny in singing the anthem of praise with lifted hands.

Remembering Bonny on His Birthday as I walked in Botanic Gardens

Today I spent several hours in Singapore Botanic Gardens remembering those times I spent with Bonny there. We often went there either to have our meals on special days or to walk and have our reflection time when we had extra off days. As I walked through the gardens today, I remembered how he often spotted some special flowers or leaves and pointed out to me the amazing features he discovered--like those amazing leaf veins patterns.
He often marvelled at all his new discoveries with such a child-like excitement and pride that made him such a real and authentic person. I could not count the number of times he made me laughed with joy and pride at his child-like remarks and perpectives on things. Bonny helped me understand what Jesus said in Matthew 18:3-4: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven."

Bonny’s 50th Birthday, 19 March 2006

19th March is Bonny’s birthday. This is a picture of his 50th birthday celebration at our home with the Khalil family.
When we first got married, he was not so used to celebrating birthday because he came from a family where celebrating birthday was not a family culture. However, I came from a family where birthday celebrations are very important. So over the years, birthday celebrations became part of his life especially his own birthday. He would remind me way ahead of time so that I had enough time to buy him the present he hinted to me. At first, he preferred just the two of us celebrating his birthday by going out for a nice meal and receiving his present. Then after he helped some ladies to organise a surprise birthday party for me in 2004, he had wished for a surprise birthday party for himself--a wish which I did not fulfil for him. When he left me for heaven, one of my regrets is not making effort to organise a surprise birthday party for him. I know that Bonny would not like me to live in regrets because he loved me very much and I suppose he still do for love never ceases.

Two Years Have Gone By...

It was an excruciatingly painful day two year ago at this very day and hour that I parted with my beloved Bonny as he was ushered into his eternal home with the lover of our souls, Jesus.
Time may wipe out many things but not all the sweet and wonderful memories of those happy days that I shared with Bonny. His attractive face, his brilliant charming smiles, his strong assuring voice, his smell of masculine fragrance, his warm gentle touch and his spontaneous humour are still so vivid and real as if he just left me yesterday.
I spent some moments these few days walking through the last few days I shared with Bonny. The sorrow and pain brought by these memories could only be soothed by the love and comfort of God.
During the Lord’s Supper this morning at church, God reminded me He understood how I was feeling. He said that He was bearing my griefs and carrying my sorrows through Isa. 53:4a “Surely our griefs He Himself bore, and our sorrows He carried;….” Very strangely too, the worship team this morning suddenly led just one stanza of “In Christ Alone” by Brian Littrell, a song that we sang at Bonny’s funeral when his casket was wheeled towards the door for cremation. It was as though God knew exactly how I felt this morning and reminded me that this is what Bonny believes in and this is how he feels and what he is singing that “In Christ alone, I place my trust and find my glory in the power of the cross. In every victory, let it be said of me, My source of strength, My source of hope is Christ alone.” I want to continue a life which I can echo what Bonny would sing—that my source and strength and hope is Christ alone.
These few days of remembering those last days of his life not only brought a lot of sorrows, I could not help but struggled with regrets and guilt of the many “if only…”s and “what if…”s. Sustained by God’s grace and His word, I surrender these struggles as I allow God to remind me that Bonny is resting with peace and dancing with joy just as Isa 57:1-2 say, “The righteous perish, and no one ponders it in his heart; devout men are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil. Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death.” Also the ever comforting word from John of the Cross sustained me, “Death can hold no bitterness for the soul that loves…. There is no sadness in the thought of death when it opens the door to all joy. Nor can it be painful and oppressive when it is the end of all unhappiness and sorrow and the beginning of all good.” I shall then guard my heart from bitterness and oppressive regrets and let it be filled with God’s love, peace and joy till I meet my Saviour and my beloved Bonny face to face.

The Christmas Tree--a significant feature in our lives

It is the time of the year to take down the Christmas tree. We bought our Christmas tree when we moved into our present home in December 1998. Setting up the tree and taking it down were part of our ending of the year and beginning of the year activities. We set a goal to get different Christmas ornaments for the tree from different places that we travelled to in December. Though it has been difficult for me to set up and take down the tree alone by myself these past two years, I just count my blessings for the many wonderful Christmases that we shared together. I suppose everyday is Christmas in Heaven where the love, joy and peace is experienced at all time.