Time may wipe out many things but not all the sweet and wonderful memories of those happy days that I shared with Bonny. His attractive face, his brilliant charming smiles, his strong assuring voice, his smell of masculine fragrance, his warm gentle touch and his spontaneous humour are still so vivid and real as if he just left me yesterday.
I spent some moments these few days walking through the last few days I shared with Bonny. The sorrow and pain brought by these memories could only be soothed by the love and comfort of God.
During the Lord’s Supper this morning at church, God reminded me He understood how I was feeling. He said that He was bearing my griefs and carrying my sorrows through Isa. 53:4a “Surely our griefs He Himself bore, and our sorrows He carried;….” Very strangely too, the worship team this morning suddenly led just one stanza of “In Christ Alone” by Brian Littrell, a song that we sang at Bonny’s funeral when his casket was wheeled towards the door for cremation. It was as though God knew exactly how I felt this morning and reminded me that this is what Bonny believes in and this is how he feels and what he is singing that “In Christ alone, I place my trust and find my glory in the power of the cross. In every victory, let it be said of me, My source of strength, My source of hope is Christ alone.” I want to continue a life which I can echo what Bonny would sing—that my source and strength and hope is Christ alone.
These few days of remembering those last days of his life not only brought a lot of sorrows, I could not help but struggled with regrets and guilt of the many “if only…”s and “what if…”s. Sustained by God’s grace and His word, I surrender these struggles as I allow God to remind me that Bonny is resting with peace and dancing with joy just as Isa 57:1-2 say, “The righteous perish, and no one ponders it in his heart; devout men are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil. Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death.” Also the ever comforting word from John of the Cross sustained me, “Death can hold no bitterness for the soul that loves…. There is no sadness in the thought of death when it opens the door to all joy. Nor can it be painful and oppressive when it is the end of all unhappiness and sorrow and the beginning of all good.” I shall then guard my heart from bitterness and oppressive regrets and let it be filled with God’s love, peace and joy till I meet my Saviour and my beloved Bonny face to face.
