The Top of Eurpore

Last week on 29th May, I made an attempt to reach the Summit of Mt Kinabalu at 4,095.2 m.  But due to time factor, I could only reach 3,554m.  I was disappointed as I wanted to take a picture with Bonny’s sport watch at the summit.  Noting the first attempt did not fulfil my dream, I am making plan to go again.  This trip, however, reminded me of my trip with Bonny to Jungfraujoch--the top of Europe at 3,571 m.  That was the trip we made to Europe in celebration of our 10^th anniversary.

Kent Ridge Park--our usual place of solitude

I took a few days off last week to have my personal retreat. Spent a morning at Kent Ridge Park, a place where Bonny and I used to go for a morning or an afternoon of personal reflection.

Bonny and I were first introduced to this place in mid-90’s when the pastoral staff of Community of Praise Baptist Church would come here for half–day prayer and reflection once a quarter. Since that, this not only becomes our favourite place to be quiet and do our reflection, it has also became the favourite place where Bonny would bring his cell leader interns under training to come for their half-day personal reflection and prayer. It is a cool and quiet place. The green tall trees, the sounds of the crickets, the butterflies that fly quietly pass you and the falling leaves make this an ideal place to be quiet, to listen, to pray and journal without much distraction. It may be hard for one to imagine Bonny being quiet and still for more than two hours, but he did and often came out refreshed. This place may not reflect the vibrant personality of Bonny but it does reflect the calming effect that his prayers often brought to my soul.

"To You"--One of Bonny's Favourite Worship Songs

One of Bonny's favourite worship song is "To You" by Darlene Zschech. He would play the song over and over again when we were on the road. The lyric of the song is "Here I stand, forever in Your mighty hand, living with Your promise written on my heart. I am Yours, surrendered wholly to You. You set me in Your family, calling me Your own. Now I, I belong to You. All I need, Your Spirit, Your Word, Your truth. Hear my cry, my deep desire, to know You more. In Your name I will lift my hands to the King. This anthem of praise I bring, heaven knows, I long to love You with all I am. I belong to You."
I know now he is forever in God's mightly hand, wholly surrendered to Him without distraction of the world, fully belonging to Him, deeply knowing Him and forever bringing the anthem of praise and loving Him with all he is. As Good Friday and Easter approach, it is most comforting to know that one day will come when I will join Bonny in singing the anthem of praise with lifted hands.

Remembering Bonny on His Birthday as I walked in Botanic Gardens

Today I spent several hours in Singapore Botanic Gardens remembering those times I spent with Bonny there. We often went there either to have our meals on special days or to walk and have our reflection time when we had extra off days. As I walked through the gardens today, I remembered how he often spotted some special flowers or leaves and pointed out to me the amazing features he discovered--like those amazing leaf veins patterns.
He often marvelled at all his new discoveries with such a child-like excitement and pride that made him such a real and authentic person. I could not count the number of times he made me laughed with joy and pride at his child-like remarks and perpectives on things. Bonny helped me understand what Jesus said in Matthew 18:3-4: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven."

Bonny’s 50th Birthday, 19 March 2006

19th March is Bonny’s birthday. This is a picture of his 50th birthday celebration at our home with the Khalil family.
When we first got married, he was not so used to celebrating birthday because he came from a family where celebrating birthday was not a family culture. However, I came from a family where birthday celebrations are very important. So over the years, birthday celebrations became part of his life especially his own birthday. He would remind me way ahead of time so that I had enough time to buy him the present he hinted to me. At first, he preferred just the two of us celebrating his birthday by going out for a nice meal and receiving his present. Then after he helped some ladies to organise a surprise birthday party for me in 2004, he had wished for a surprise birthday party for himself--a wish which I did not fulfil for him. When he left me for heaven, one of my regrets is not making effort to organise a surprise birthday party for him. I know that Bonny would not like me to live in regrets because he loved me very much and I suppose he still do for love never ceases.

Two Years Have Gone By...

It was an excruciatingly painful day two year ago at this very day and hour that I parted with my beloved Bonny as he was ushered into his eternal home with the lover of our souls, Jesus.
Time may wipe out many things but not all the sweet and wonderful memories of those happy days that I shared with Bonny. His attractive face, his brilliant charming smiles, his strong assuring voice, his smell of masculine fragrance, his warm gentle touch and his spontaneous humour are still so vivid and real as if he just left me yesterday.
I spent some moments these few days walking through the last few days I shared with Bonny. The sorrow and pain brought by these memories could only be soothed by the love and comfort of God.
During the Lord’s Supper this morning at church, God reminded me He understood how I was feeling. He said that He was bearing my griefs and carrying my sorrows through Isa. 53:4a “Surely our griefs He Himself bore, and our sorrows He carried;….” Very strangely too, the worship team this morning suddenly led just one stanza of “In Christ Alone” by Brian Littrell, a song that we sang at Bonny’s funeral when his casket was wheeled towards the door for cremation. It was as though God knew exactly how I felt this morning and reminded me that this is what Bonny believes in and this is how he feels and what he is singing that “In Christ alone, I place my trust and find my glory in the power of the cross. In every victory, let it be said of me, My source of strength, My source of hope is Christ alone.” I want to continue a life which I can echo what Bonny would sing—that my source and strength and hope is Christ alone.
These few days of remembering those last days of his life not only brought a lot of sorrows, I could not help but struggled with regrets and guilt of the many “if only…”s and “what if…”s. Sustained by God’s grace and His word, I surrender these struggles as I allow God to remind me that Bonny is resting with peace and dancing with joy just as Isa 57:1-2 say, “The righteous perish, and no one ponders it in his heart; devout men are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil. Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death.” Also the ever comforting word from John of the Cross sustained me, “Death can hold no bitterness for the soul that loves…. There is no sadness in the thought of death when it opens the door to all joy. Nor can it be painful and oppressive when it is the end of all unhappiness and sorrow and the beginning of all good.” I shall then guard my heart from bitterness and oppressive regrets and let it be filled with God’s love, peace and joy till I meet my Saviour and my beloved Bonny face to face.

The Christmas Tree--a significant feature in our lives

It is the time of the year to take down the Christmas tree. We bought our Christmas tree when we moved into our present home in December 1998. Setting up the tree and taking it down were part of our ending of the year and beginning of the year activities. We set a goal to get different Christmas ornaments for the tree from different places that we travelled to in December. Though it has been difficult for me to set up and take down the tree alone by myself these past two years, I just count my blessings for the many wonderful Christmases that we shared together. I suppose everyday is Christmas in Heaven where the love, joy and peace is experienced at all time.